Protection

dogs

I COULD HAVE RELEASED THE DOGS. IN HINDSIGHT, I SHOULD HAVE. WHEN YOU LIVE ALONE, IN THE WOODS, AS A YOUNG FEMALE – I SHOULD HAVE RELEASED THE DOGS.

I FIND MYSELF THINKING ABOUT PROTECTION A LOT. NEST PROTECTION. PUSSY PROTECTION. SPIRITUAL PROTECTION.  SKIN PROTECTION. BUT FOR SOME REASON, ON THIS PARTICULAR EVENING - I WAS NOT THINKING AT ALL.

IN THIS MOMENT, WHEN A CAR PULLED INTO MY DRIVEWAY - I TRUSTED THE WORLD. HAS THE WORLD BEEN UNSAFE TO ME? HELL YES. AND YET – I STILL HAD FAITH THAT NOTHING WOULD HURT ME. I WENT TO ANSWER THE DOOR.

BUT THE MOMENT YOU REALIZE THAT THE PERSON AT THE DOOR IS A STRANGER - WHO SHOWS UP, UNANNOUNCED, AT 10 PM ON A WEDNESDAY NIGHT, IN THE MIDDLE OF A RAINSTORM - THAT TRUST SUDDENLY TUMBLES AWAY WITH THE WIND.

YOU START TO LOOK AT YOUR OPTIONS.

I COULD HAVE CHOSEN TO NOT OPEN THE DOOR. BUT HE ALREADY SAW ME. HE WAS LOOKING RIGHT AT ME. PEPPER SPRAY TO MY RIGHT. A MACHETE TO MY TOP LEFT. HE LEFT HIS HEADLIGHTS ON. I HAD FAILED TO INSTALL ANY TYPE OF LIGHT OUTSIDE. I WAS IN THE SPOTLIGHT. HE WAS IN THE DARK.

HE THREW HIS HANDS IN THE AIR & YELLED “I’M FRIENDLY!” HAIR GOES UP. DOGS BEHIND ME, SLAMMING THEIR BODY AGAINST THE MUDROOM DOOR. BETWEEN ME & HIM – NOTHING.

HE BEGINS TO TELL ME ABOUT ALL OF THE TIMES HE HAS SEEN ME IN MY YARD. IN MY KITCHEN. IN MY OFFICE. IN MY GARDEN. HE BEGINS TO TELL ME HOW EASY I WAS TO LOOK AT. HE SAYS HE ENJOYS DRIVING BY EACH DAY ON HIS WORK ROUTE. HE LIKES IT MOST WHEN I WAVE AT HIM. HE FOLLOWS THIS WITH THE DECLARATION THAT HE HAS NEVER SEEN ANOTHER CAR IN MY DRIVEWAY, SO HE FIGURED I DIDN’T HAVE A BOYFRIEND. AT THIS POINT, I HAVE ONE HAND ON THE DOORKNOB BEHIND ME. I SHOULD HAVE RELEASED THE DOGS.

HE WANTS TO TAKE ME OUT. HE WANTS TO GRAB A DRINK. HE WANTS TO HELP ME WITH MY CHORES. HE WANTS TO GET TO KNOW ME.

IN THIS MOMENT, PROTECTION MEANS KEEPING THIS MAN HAPPY. PROTECTION MEANS SAYING, “THANKS FOR ASKING, LET ME THINK ABOUT IT.” INSTEAD OF “FUCK NO, GET THE FUCK OFF MY PROPERTY.” IN THIS MOMENT, PROTECTION LOOKS LIKE SUBMISSION.

A SMILE & A NOD.

AND THAT IS WHAT I DID. HE HANDED ME THE PIECE OF PAPER WITH HIS NAME & NUMBER ON IT. SOMETHING I GLADLY TOOK TO LATER HAND TO THE POLICE. I GRINNED POLITELY AS HE TOLD ME ABOUT HIS HEART CONDITION. ABOUT THE TYPE OF TRUCK HE DRIVES. ABOUT HIS SKILLSET. ABOUT HOW HE DROVE BY & SAW ME SITTING ALONE AT MY KITCHEN TABLE AND THOUGHT THAT NOW WAS THE PERFECT TIME TO ASK ME OUT.

AND IN THIS MOMENT, PROTECTION MEANS PRESERVATION. PROTECTION MEANS STAYING AS STILL AS POSSIBLE & LETTING THIS MAN THINK HE WILL GET WHAT HE WANTS. IT MEANS SLOWLY BACKING AWAY & WITHOUT TURNING AROUND. IT MEANS KEEPING A TIGHT GRIP ON THE DOORKNOB BEHIND ME FOR THE MOMENT I DECIDE TO RELEASE THE DOGS.