Magic

odie

SLEEP IS SAFETY. AS A CHILD YOU CAN RETREAT FROM FEARS OF THE DARKNESS BY DOZING OFF. AS AN ADULT SLEEP IS A HIGHWAY THAT TAKES YOU FROM ONE DAY TO THE NEXT. NOTHING BAD SEEMS TO HAPPEN. EVEN A NIGHTMARE CAN BRING SOME VIVIDNESS AND EXCITEMENT. PEOPLE TALK OF DYING IN YOUR SLEEP AS A BLESSING.
SLEEP SHOULD BE SAFETY, BUT WHAT SHOULD BE IS NOT ALWAYS. I HAD NO THOUGHT THAT MY SECURITY WOULD BE VIOLATED AS MY EYES MOVED RAPIDLY BENEATH MY LIDS DEEP IN THE RESTORATION OF MY BODY AND MIND FROM THE DAY. IT STARTED AS A DREAM. MY DREAM BEGAN TO CHANGE. THINGS WERE HAPPENING TO ME. I FELT TOUCH. BUT I SHOULDN’T, I’M SLEEPING ON A COUCH AT A FRIEND OF A FRIENDS HOUSE ON THE WAY TO BAGBY. I WAKE UP. A MAN I’VE KNOWN FOR 2 YEARS HAS TAKEN MY PANTS OFF. I KICK HIM IN THE STERNUM AND YELL “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?” TWO FRIENDS SLEEP IN THE SAME ROOM. ONE ON THE FLOOR AND ONE ON ANOTHER COUCH. NOBODY STIRS. HE STILL HAS ME IN HIS HAND AND SAYS “YOU DIDN’T LIKE THAT?” AS IF ANYONE LIKES TO GET WOKEN UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT BY UNSOLICITED ACTIONS LET ALONE VIOLATIONS OF ONESELF THAT LIVE WITH THEM FOR YEARS. I’M NOW AWAKE ENOUGH TO STAND UP. HE LEAVES THE ROOM. IT’S A LIVING ROOM. NO DOOR. NO LOCK. NOW SAFETY IS BEING AWAKE.
IN THE MORNING MY FRIENDS AND I PILE INTO THE CAR. I DRIVE ALONG A WINDING RIVER THINKING ABOUT IF I SHOULD TELL THEM WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT. I DO. IT DOESN’T GO WELL. THEY LAUGH AND SAY “OH I ALWAYS KNEW HE WAS GAY” AS IF THAT’S THE TAKEAWAY FROM WHAT HE DID. NOT THAT HE’S A PREDATOR WAITING FOR NIGHT TO FALL. I CONTINUE TO SEE HIM ON CAMPUS AT PARTIES. I HEAR FROM A FRIEND OF MINE THAT HE TOO FELL ASLEEP IN THIS MAN’S PRESENCE AND WOKE UP WITHOUT HIS CLOTHES ON. WE’RE VIGILANT BUT STILL CONTINUE TO HEAR STORIES FROM TIME TO TIME. MY FRIEND TELLS FRESHMAN NOT TO GO UP TO KYLE’S ROOM TO SLEEP IT OFF IF THEIR DRUNK. THEY LIKELY DON’T REALIZE WHAT THE WARNING IS ABOUT. MEN CAN BE STUPID IN THIS WAY. I CARRY SHAME OF WHAT HAPPENED AS IF IT MAKES ME LESS OF A MAN OR MORE OF A BROKEN PERSON. THE SHAME PREVENTED ME FROM STOPPING A PERSON WHO RESPECTS NO PRIVACY. YEARS LATER I TELL MY FRIENDS. SOME OF WHOM I HAD TOLD ORIGINALLY IN THAT CAR AND HAS THEM BRUSH IT OFF. EVEN IN OUR LATE TWENTIES THEY STILL LISTEN TO IT AS IF IT’S SOME LIGHT STORY AND THEN THEY DON’T KNOW HOW TO RESPOND. KYLE EVEN GOES TO SOME OF THEIR WEDDINGS AFTER I SHARED THIS. I DON’T THINK IT’S A CASE OF THEM NOT BELIEVING ME BECAUSE THROUGHOUT THEIR VARYING RESPONSES NOBODY WAS SURPRISED. I THINK IT’S JUST THAT THEY ARE TOO LAZY AND WEAK TO CONFRONT WHAT ONE OF THEIR FRIENDS MAY HAVE DONE TO ANOTHER.

THE NIGHT GARDENER

I PICK BLACKBERRIES BLIND AFTER DARK

A GLOW IN MY DIRT STAINED NIGHTGOWN

I’VE BECOME THE NIGHT GARDENER

SOMEHOW

HERE

BARE FEET IN WET GRASS

I FIND THAT GIRL

AGAIN.

NOT THE ONE WHO’S BIRTHED TWO CHILDREN

THE ONE WHO RIDES WITH NO HANDS

AND EATS TOMATOES AND MAYO ON A HOTDOG ROLL.

THE MOTHER IN ME

DEAR MOTHER IN ME,

I KNOW YOU HAVE BEEN THERE ALL ALONG. IN MY HANDS, IN THESE EYES. SUMMONED FOR BITS AND SPURTS TO MOTHER THE MOTHER. TO ACHE PROPER FOR THE ONES I LOVE. BUT YOU WILL SOON BE CALLED TO STAY. AS HAIR COLLECTS IN SPIRALING CLUMPS ON THE SHOWER WALL. AS I FEEL HIS HICCUPS IN THE SCOOP OF MY PELVIS. AS GOLDEN NECTAR DRIPS FROM MY NIPPLES. YOU ARE BEING SUMMONED FOR ETERNITY. AND I GIVE THIS VESSEL OVER TO YOU. I WOULD GIVE IT OVER AGAIN AND AGAIN, NO MATTER THE COUNTLESS TIMES YOU WILL FUCK UP FOR YOU ARE THE BETTER ONE. YOU JUST HAVE TO BE GOOD ENOUGH.

THERE WILL BE A RECKONING AS YOU TAKE THE HELM. A MOURNING. I WILL BE BURIED UNDER HEAVY BOTTOMED DIAPERS, STICKY FINGERS, NOISE AND NOISE AND NOISE, MACARONI HARDENED AND SHELLACKED TO THE KITCHEN FLOOR. BURIED BENEATH A RELENTLESS VOID AND ABUNDANCE OF TIME. PERHAPS YOU WILL LEARN TO BREATH UNDERWATER INSTEAD OF KEEPING YOUR HEAD ABOVE IT. I KNOW THERE WILL BE DAYS YOU MISS THE TWINKLING DRUNK OF YOUR YOUTH’S BEAUTY. SKIN THAT SLINKS TO BONE AND ITCHES TO DANCE, THAT ORCHESTRATED AND TEASES THE OUTSIDE GAZE. BUT I ALSO KNOW THE BEAUTY OF YOU WILL BE DEEPER, TRUER. NOT DEMANDING OF THE EYES BUT PALPABLE. A WARMTH, A BOSOM, AN OFFERING, A HOME. THAT IS YOUR BEAUTY. THE GIVING, GIVING, AND GIVING AND EXPECTING NOTHING IN RETURN. EXCEPT A SMALL BODY, YOUR KIN, YOUR FLESH LEANING BACK AGAINST YOUR KNEES WITHOUT A GLANCE. YOU WILL BE GIVEN HIS KNOWING, HIS TRUSTING THAT YOU ARE THERE TO BE LEANED AGAINST. AND THAT WARMTH WILL BE EVERYTHING YOU EVER HUNGERED. YOU JUST HAVE TO BE GOOD ENOUGH. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO HOLD ALL TOGETHER. JUST STAY PRESENT FOR IT ALL. TIME WILL INDEED BE RELENTLESS.

KNOW I AM STILL HERE. THE CENTER OF AN ONION WITH ALL ITS TENDER SKINS BETWEEN. FIND ME ON THE LIVING ROOM FLOOR WITH THE MUSIC TURNED UP LOUD. “DREAM” FLEETWOOD MACK, “HEART OF STEEL” GALACTIC, “LIGHT ENOUGH TO TRAVEL” THE BE GOOD TANYA’S. WAIT TILL ALL THE LIMBS HAVE BEEN THOROUGHLY SHAKEN. WAIT FOR SWEAT. FIND ME NAKED IN A LAKE, AN OCEAN. WAIT FOR THE WATER’S COLD TO STAND DOWN. I’LL BE WAITING FOR WHEN YOU NEED TO FEEL A SENSE OF SELF. AND I WILL BE WATCHING AS YOU BECOME THE PERSON YOU HAVE ALWAYS MEANT TO BE. BE GENTLE IN THIS BECOMING.

LOVE,

THE YOUNG WOMAN IN ME

DARK MAGIC

WHAT DID I REALLY WANT?

I WANTED A SPARK. I WANTED MAGIC. I WANTED TO SUDDENLY, NOT FEEL SO ALONE.

BUT WHAT DID I GET?

A COUPLE OF FREE DRINKS. A MAKE-OUT SESSION IN THE STREET. AN INVITE BACK TO HIS PLACE. EAR SUCKING. HANDS AROUND MY NECK. talk of ropes. TWO EXITS & NO WAY OUT. A SPEEDY HEARTBEAT.

DARK EYES THAT DIDN’T HEAR ME SAY,

“I HAVE TO GO.”