The word ‘no’

NO 2 NO

WHEN I WAS 17, AN OLDER BOY FROM A DIFFERENT SCHOOL WANTED TO TAKE ME OUT TO DINNER. HIS HEAD WAS SHAPED WEIRD. HIS FACE WAS RED & LUMPY. HIS PANTS WERE TOO WIDE. HE LOVED TO LET EVERYONE KNOW THAT HE WAS REALLY GOOD AT PLAYING THE GUITAR.  

I REMEMBER WHEN HE ASKED ME ON A DATE OVER TEXT. I REMEMBER THAT I HAD A NOKIA 6101. AND I REMEMBER THAT I SAID “NO.”

IT WAS AN HONEST “NO”. IT FELT GOOD. PARTLY BECAUSE THIS MAN-CHILD HAD THE MOST ANNOYING BDE THAT I HAD EVER ENCOUNTERED. BUT MOSTLY BECAUSE I WAS ABLE TO LISTEN TO MYSELF. & THEN VOICE IT.

& DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MOTHERFUCKER SAID?

HE RESPONDED, “I DON’T BELIEVE IN THE WORD “NO”.

I’M SORRY – YOU DON’T BELIEVE IN IT? LIKE, YOU DON’T HONOR IT? LIKE, YOU DON’T PUT YOUR FAITH IN A WORD THAT SOMEONE ELSE USES AS A WAY TO VOICE THEIR BOUNDARIES? LIKE, THE WORD USED WHEN SOMEONE DOESN’T WANT SOMETHING? OR ALSO, THE WORD THAT INDICATES SOMEONE DOESN’T AGREE? YOU, SIR, DON’T BELIEVE IN THAT WORD?

I LOOPED BACK AROUND. I REPEATED WHAT HE SAID BACK TO HIM, JUST TO DOUBLE CHECK THAT HE WAS SAYING WHAT I THOUGHT HE WAS SAYING.

& SURE ENOUGH. HE CLARIFIED. “I CHOOSE NOT TO HEAR IT” HE SAID.

HOLD THE GODDAMN PHONE. DID YOU JUST SAY – YOU DON’T HEAR THE WORD “NO”? LIKE, YOU DON’T LISTEN TO IT? LIKE – WHEN SOMEONE SAYS, “NO, I DON’T WANT THAT.” YOU JUST SAY….. “NO”?

THE IRONY.

HE TOLD ME, RIGHT THEN & THERE, ALL THAT I NEEDED TO KNOW.

& DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I DID?

I WENT ON THE DATE.

HIDEOUS HEAD

I WAS STALKED BY A MAN FOR A SUMMER.  

A CREEP FROM WORK. WE HOOKED UP A COUPLE TIMES AND HE THOUGHT I WAS HIS. HOW MANY WAYS ARE THERE TO SAY “NO”?  THE INCESSANT EMAILS, TEXTS. POPPING UP RANDOMLY ALONG MY BIKE RIDE INTO WORK. WATCHING ME FROM ACROSS THE STREET OF MY FAVORITE BAR. “WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO DENY WHAT’S BETWEEN US?”

YEARS GO BY.  A CLEAR, HARD LINE IS DRAWN.  THE AGGRESSIVE, DARK, ANGRY MONSTER REARS ITS HIDEOUS HEAD. 

“NO”

NO. NO?

LAST WEEK, “NO” WAS A POWER MOVE. A BATTLE CRY. A LINE I COULD SET. 

THIS WEEK, IT IS A PLEA.

NO MORE. NOT AGAIN. WE CAN’T KEEP DOING THIS. NO. PLEASE. 

THIS WEEK IT FEELS LIKE LESS, BECAUSE I KNOW THE WORLD DOESN’T HAVE TO LISTEN. IT WILL KEEP COMING, AND I CAN SAY NO, BUT... AM I REALLY JUST ASKING? IF I CAN’T STOP IT? 

WHAT DOES “NO” MEAN WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE THE GUN? 

THE WORD “NO”

NO IS, IN ALL ITS ABSENCE, A PRESENCE. POWERFUL BEYOND BELIEF, WALL-BUILDING AND BOUNDARY-SETTING. 
NO IS THE WORD I’M OFTEN NOT BRAVE ENOUGH TO SAY AS A PERSON SELF-DEFINED AND SOCIETALLY-CHARACTERIZED BY MY YESES. 
NO IS THE HEAVY WEIGHT OF A WORD CAUGHT IN YOUR THROAT, HANGING BETWEEN YOU AND THE CAB DRIVER AS HE TAKES A WRONG TURN DOWN A DARK ROAD.
NO IS THE SHOULD AND THE SHAME OF A YES WHISPERED THROUGH ALCOHOL, THE BRAIN THINKING THERE MIGHT BE SOMETHING BUT THERE WAS NOTHING AND YOU DON’T REMEMBER IT ANYWAY. BUT DON’T FORGET, YOU FORGOT YOU SAID YES. 
NO, I DON’T WANT TO DEAL WITH MY BROTHER'S ADDICTION.
NO, I DON’T WANT TO THINK ABOUT MY FAMILY WHEN WE WERE HAPPY, WHEN WE WERE THE BEST WE’VE EVER BEEN. 
NO, I DON’T WANT TO SUPPORT YOU THROUGH YOUR STEPS, AND PRETEND LIKE EVERYTHING IS OK. 
NO, I DON’T WANT TO DRIVE THE RELATIONSHIP MYSELF, ALONE, WHILE YOU SIT BACK AND COAST AND DO THE LEAST. 
NO, I’M NOT DOWN FOR BEING SEXUALIZED, OBJECTIFIED. 
NO, I’M NOT UP FOR DOING EXTRA WORK AND GET PAID HALF AS MUCH. 
NO. 
AND YET ALL THAT COMES OUT IS … SURE.

NO-THING

IT TENDS TO GET WASHED AWAY WITH EVERYTHING ELSE.

NO WAY

OH NO

I KNOW

NO PROBLEM

NO TIME

NO ONE

SO THEN, WHERE DOES IT GO? NO-WHERE. NO WEAR.

AND WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU REALLY MEAN IT? NO-THING.