the “No prompt” prompt

“shitty parent idkkk”

My father was a terrible alcoholic man. 

In childhood, he was a lunatic out all night, I would get calls as a 12 year old girl from bars saying your dad's been arrested, or your dad is outside fighting, can you send your older brother to come get him. As I got older and was able to drive, it was the same shit. Come pick up your dad. He was never a father I needed and wanted. He was always angry & especially first thing in the mornings, when he was sober. He put me in situations as a child no child should ever have to be in. He never had a place for us to call home, never had time to cook dinner, my dad the man who was suppose to protect me -- didn't protect me at all. He protected himself, and his alcohol bottles & his bar friends, but not his own flesh and blood. I've always wondered why he was like that. But as I grow older & wiser & more clear minded I don't give a fuck why he is or was like that. He wasn't a father, he was my first abuser mentally, emotionally & physically.

My mind will never fully heal from the bullshit he put me through as a child. I'm trying-- really I am. But sometimes it just hits like a ton of bricks like why me?? Why did I have to have a monster as a parent. 

As a grown ass woman, I could NEVER treat my kids they way I was treated as a child. I'm thankful I can raise my boys with grace & love & a safe place, where they are fed, bathed, & have clean clothes and a warm bed. He taught me how NOT to parent, so I guess I am grateful for that. 

9 years of no contact with my own father. It doesn't get easier-- the memories just keep coming back, & making it more clear why I never want my children around that monster. 

“Domestic Violence”

Domestic violence 

So easily people can say -

Just leave that man.

You can do so much better.

You don't deserve that.

But where are the people who actually push you to leave an abusive person? Who actually help you get out of a dangerous situation? Who will show you and help you so it doesn't seem so scary.

I spent 6 years with a man who abused me, sexually, mentally, and physically.. 

It's not easy leaving, it feels like you are going to lose your life just trying to walk out the door some days living with an abuser. It's walking to the kitchen and getting accused of having another man in the house and the abuser thinking you are having sex with an imaginary person in the kitchen, when you just went to get a glass of water. 

It's taking a shower, and instantly getting the oh who are you getting clean for? Who are you going to have sex with.

It's not being able to even go to the grocery store without being accused of something. 

It's getting stripped searched butt ass naked making sure no one else touches you and you don't have a thing hidden on you. 

It's getting illegal drugs pressured for you to use, even though you don't want to. 

It's hiding your face hoping those kicks don't hit your face. 

It's losing concussions after being strangled 

And finally, it's enough-- you make that call. Crying, scared, not knowing if you would even make it to a "safe" place. 

Waiting to hear from a Domestic violence advocate if you made the criteria to go into a safe house with your young child. Those 2 hours waiting, were so gut wrenching, no one was helping, no one reached out it was me and my little boy in a new environment away from the abuse but still so scared. Still crying myself to sleep, still worrying if I was safe. And honestly I never felt safe in that domestic violence shelter. No one talks about that.

Everyone thinks oh they are safe, they are good. The mental bullshit you go through just to keep your bed at a shelter is fucking insane. I woke up most mornings thinking ok, am I going to be existed today? Is someone going to go fucking crazy and I have to hide me & my child in my room for hours, like I had to with my literal fucking abuser?! Shelters are safer to and extent. But no one wants to hear the real, raw experience of someone who has lived it. Waking up to weirdos knocking on my bedroom door asking for things, other people's abusers literally showing up to the safe house? What the fuck. How am I suppose to feel safe there? People using drugs there, people who would steal what little food you had out of the fridge that had your name on it. I never felt safe!! It's still very traumatic to me, I relive that place so much it feels like I was there 2 months ago, but it was almost 2 years ago. I talk about it so much, and it never seems get lighter. Domestic violence is traumatic, it's fucking real & people don't take it as serious as it should be. 

“Egg Shelkl Effect”

My body has learned very thoroughly how to survive.

Two years later, the danger may be gone, but my nervous system tells me "stay alert just in case."

The egg shell feeling-- the quick glance over my shoulder.

The way a small shift in someone's tone can pull me back into the old fear---

I know it's all part of healing, and not proof that I am broken.

It doesn't stay vivid forever.

It softens, slowly, and unevenly. 

My body is literally relearning what safety feels like.

One day I won't flinch, I won't scan room, I won't have to brace myself.

I'm not "behind" in healing or failing. 

I'm still unwinding something that threatened my life.

And the fact I'm still here asking if it gets better; just proves I'm moving towards the answer, yes it does.